How to Be a Better Mom

We’re all better moms than some, right? I like to place myself somewhere between crack-addict and June Cleaver. (I vary on the spectrum depending on what day it is.)

In all seriousness, I think most of us are just striving to be better moms, wives, friends, and women. Not better than any one person, but better today than we were yesterday. In a Pinterest-perfect society, measuring up is an all-too-daunting task. No, an impossible task. And an unnecessary one, at that.

The minute I get my pantry looking like a square out of @cottonstem’s IG, I realize my kids are eating old goldfish out of the couch for lunch (that means I now don’t have to make anything else to eat, right?). The second I get my hair, makeup, and outfit so perfect I might be mistaken for @thesisterstudioig, I find my 3-year-old naked on the kitchen counter wielding a knife (You think I’m joking, don’t you?). One step forward means two steps back errrr day. Let’s just get real. We don’t have to look that cute, be that talented, or serve responsibly sourced salmon atop a bed of organic mixed greens to our well-mannered, grateful children every blessed night in order to be good moms. We’re good, girl. Let’s decide to simply be better versions of ourselves than we were yesterday. Let’s love our children, husbands, friends, and neighbors well. Chances are, our kids won’t actually grow up to be unclothed knife bearers in the end.

1. Love others well. Kids learn to be good and decent humans by watching us be loving, respectful, gracious, and kind. I CRINGE when I see adults with children in tow telling off the cashier, flipping off the car next to them, or being disrespectful to their spouse. Will we be perfect examples? Pshhhhh! Heck no! But, we can try to do the right thing, even when it’s hard. After all, we expect the same thing from our kids, right? When we blow it in front of our kids, we should tell them we messed up and apologize for our actions. That’s a double-whammy of a lesson for our little mini-me’s. 1. No one is perfect. 2. We should apologize when we do the wrong thing. This makes you a better mom.

2. Take a genuine interest in your kids. Let’s one up the “How was your day?” routine. In my experience, that question produces little more than a shoulder-shrug. I get it. Between work, dinner, chauffering back and forth to practices, bathtimes, and bedtimes, stuff gets real dadgum busy and your brain is honestly too tired for words. But, if we miss these everyday opportunities to listen to the uneventful and mundane, we’ll inevitably miss the significant, life-changing conversations, too.  Ask what made them laugh, if anything made them sad, and who they sat with at lunch. Ask if they felt good about themselves that day, how they served someone, and what they would do over again if they could change something about the day. Talk to them about video games, sports, friends, dreams, grades, and goals. Relationship has to precede rules, or none of it really matters. It’s worth it, mama. This makes you a better mom.

3. When you want to punch them, hug them instead. Or something like that. No one can drive us more batty than our very own offspring. WHY IS IT SO? This is coming from the mom whose oldest is but a pre-teen, so stay tuned. The punching may still ensue. (I’M JOKING!) Really, though, I’ve learned that the calmer I remain, the better this whole thing turns out. When their attitudes collide with my own (I have no idea where they get it), they treat me more like a peer. When I stay calm (read: act like the adult), I am in control and they can’t steal my chill. This is oh so much easier said than done, but I’ve found that when I think this through in advance and then remind myself at the time to stick with what I know to be right, I really can do it. Less frustration, less yelling, less apologizing, and less feeling like a crappy mom. Win-win! This makes you a better mom.

4. Share your burdens. Nothing makes me feel better than having dinner and a glass of wine with friends I trust and talking through the difficulties of motherhood. It’s literally therapy, people. We definitely laugh, might even cry, and certainly go home feeling 100% better about this stage of life we’re in. Relating to others is everything. Talk to your mom, talk to your sister, or talk to a counselor. I’ve been there and done it all, friends. When my husband was deployed for 9 months, I found that I didn’t want to share the complex burdens with those closest to me for 9 months straight, so I saw a therapist. It was all so helpful. We’re not meant to take this journey alone! God created us to first need Him, second one another. This makes you a better mom.

5. Delegate! I know I’m not alone when I say a messy or cluttered house = grouchy mom en mi casa. The state of my home is like a mirror into my brain. If the house is clean and tidy, I can take whatever life throws at me. I work from home and constantly have to refrain from taking time out of my workday to clean and tidy up. Here’s the fact of the matter: My work only I can do. However, I married a man (THANK GOD FOR HIM) and birthed three able-bodied boys who can (and do) help with the rest. I’m not above justifying this to my kids. “If you can do these chores well, this will help you as you grow older, and it will help Mommy now.” Their knowing I can be much more present with them once we’ve all done our part is almost always enough motivation to do their part. (That, and serious personal threats.) This makes you a better mom.

6. Expect chaos. When you have a newborn, you’re not surprised that you’re up all night for feedings, cradling a crying baby, and changing 312 diapers a day. It’s exhausting, but probably exactly what you expected. In the same way, expect extreme chaos while having kids at home. There’s no other way. From babyhood to the teenage years, these kids be cray. They’re going to be too loud, make massive messes, produce ridiculous amounts of laundry, be terrible at chores, not do their homework, eat all your food, and drive you nuts. You’re going to get thrown up on and peed on. They’ll poop on the floor, stain your sofa, break your things, and ruin your carpet. They’ll get sick right before vacation and you’ll have to cancel your trip. They’ll make the team and monopolize your entire summer. They’ll not make the team and break your whole heart. They’ll demand more when you have nothing left to give. They’ll be bratty and precious and awful and hilarious and so smart and so dumb and you just have to embrace it all. You’ll say things like, “Don’t smell your brother’s butt,” and “Stop feeding bananas to your dinosaur,” and “Please get your penis off the table.” (All these things have actually come out of my mouth.) It somehow makes it easier when you fully expect the ups and downs, the highs and lows. This makes you a better mom.

Laugh when you feel like crying. Have a good cry, too. They say we’ll miss the mayhem one day, and I bet they’re right. You are a better mom.