How To Be a Better Wife

You know what the Bible calls a mystery? Marriage. Seriously, we shouldn’t feel bad when it seems like a tall order for us mere mortals. Here’s proof:

For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am speaking about Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:31-32

To be clear: After entering the covenant of marriage, not only are we expected to be one with our spouse, but our marriage is also supposed to be a representation of how Christ (the perfect one) relates to us, His beloved (the broken peeps). NO BIG DEAL.

I don’t know about you, but my marriage is a spitting image of Christ’s love for the church. No anger, disrespect, unloving behavior, or flaring tempers. Baaaahahahaha! I’m not even going to act like you didn’t know I was pulling your leg. Friends, let’s get real. Even the best marriages are often mundane, hectic, thoughtless, and broken. Worst case scenario they’re hateful, disrespectful, contemptuous, and dead. Long story short: our marriages are a sorry excuse for what God actually has in mind for this institution. But God has more for us, and it’s never ever too late. So, do you want to know how to be a better wife? How to escape the world’s impossibly low standards for marriage and soar above and beyond? How to believe there’s more for yourself, your husband, and your marriage? I do, too. Dive on in. The water’s fine.

1. Look in the mirror. Get real with yourself, girlfriend. Sometimes you have to go first. Let’s say your husband has no desire to be a better husband. Do you still want to know how to be a better wife? (Say yes.) Make the decision up front, and get to work on YOU. There’s nothing like personal development to inspire you and the people around you (in this case, maybe your husband) to know better and do better. Be honest about your strengths and weaknesses, and choose an area or two you’re going to start with that will help you learn how to be a better wife.

2. Show unconditional respect. We’ve been incredibly conditioned to buy into the lie that unconditional love is a reasonable expectation, but unconditional respect need not exist. On the list of Books That Built Me, I cite the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. To learn in depth about the need for unconditional love AND respect in a relationship, please head over to this post to find the links for the book and audiobook. But for now, I’ll leave you with this. Our husbands are desperate for our respect, just as we’re desperate for their love. Here are some common ways we unintentionally (and often unknowingly) show disrespect to them:

• Our tone of voice (degrading, demeaning, belittling, sarcastic).
• Our facial expressions (look of disgust, disapproval, disdain).
• Questioning things he says (How do you know? Is that even true?).
• Constantly correcting him (No, it should be done this way. No, that’s not exactly how it happened.).

Confession: I’ve been guilty of every last one of these. Not because I’ve wanted to show disrespect to my husband, but simply because I’m human and the farthest thing from a perfect wife. We can learn how to be better wives by concentrating on these common forms of disrespect and intentionally showing unconditional respect. Let’s commit to using a positive, respectful tone of voice (even in disagreement), donning a pleasant or at least neutral facial expression as often as possible, and biting our tongues when we’re tempted to question or correct every time he’s talking. We’ll mess up, but we can at least point our sites in the right direction.

3. Unmistakable communication. This just in: males aren’t good hint-takers. I’m guessing it’s just not in their DNA. My husband happens to be really willing to communicate (I honestly count myself remarkably lucky), but nevertheless, he’s a terrible hint-taker. I do this funny thing when I need him to help me with something. I always start the sentence with “Hey, do you want to…” and he thinks it’s just ridiculous. It’s usually something like, “Hey, do you want to stop by the grocery store?” or “Hey, do you want to go wipe the toddler’s poopy bottom?” or “Hey, do you want to take out the trash?” He invariably answers, “No, but I will.” I’m just trying to be nice, subtle, or gentle with my request. He’d much rather I say, “Hey, it would really help me if…” or “I really need your help with…” Men prefer direct, unconfusing, unmistakable communication. Be clear with him about what you love, what you need, what you wish would change, and how he can help you. Most good-willed men genuinely want to be your hero. They just don’t always perceive what you need. Say it! Don’t hint at it and then be upset when he doesn’t catch on.

4. Criticize less, encourage more. What motivates you more: when someone says you suck at something, or when someone encourages you and believes in you? DUH. This is a no-brainer, but something we fall into easily and often in our homes. This is true for our children and just as much for our husbands. Praise him and thank him for helping rather than showing him how it really should be done. Encourage his parenting, his dieting, his workouts, his career path, his strength, his spiritual leadership, his courage, his integrity, his bravery, his willingness to provide, his accomplishments, and anything and everything else you can think of.

Instead of “Hmmm. I thought you were going to work out today. I knew you wouldn’t stick with it.” Try, “You may have missed your workout today, but I know you’ll be right back at it tomorrow. No big deal!” He’ll be so esteemed and encouraged he’ll try to be even better for you and for himself.

5. Evaluate your influences. We are a total of the five people we spend our time with (i.e., those we’re influenced by). Who’s influencing your marriage? Do work in an office full of divorced man-haters? Watch out, girl. Does your sister talk bad about your husband or your marriage? Put a stop to it. We’re too easily dragged down by other people’s thoughts, actions, lifestyles, and opinions. It’s worth guarding your heart and mind for the sake of your marriage. You may have to politely decline to take part in some conversations and be clear to others that you expect them to respect your marriage because you do. Don’t trick yourself into believing others’ negative opinions aren’t affecting you. They definitely are and will. Marriage is hard enough when just the two of you are involved. No one else should be invited.

6. Spend intentional time together. Find time to laugh together, eat together, talk to one another, and get away every once in a while. My husband and I just attended a 2-day marriage conference and we agree it was absolutely invaluable. I know that time, energy, and money are in short supply, but do what you have to do to spend intentional time with your husband. It all started with you and him, and it will end with you and him. Tell him this is important to you. It probably is to him, too.

7. Pray for your husband and your marriage. God has greater things than you imagine for you, your husband, your marriage, and your family. Talk to God about your hopes, dreams, and desires for your husband and your marriage. Consistent prayer and intentionally guarding your hearts and minds in Him are the only ways to world-proof your marriage. Setting your marriage on cruise control while things are hard, kids are young, finances are tight, and careers are busy is a recipe for disaster, dissension, and divorce if you’re not careful. Seek Godly counsel. Become friends with other Christian couples. Attend a marriage conference. Study the Bible together. Pray together. Keep the main thing the main thing: God first, spouse second. This will ensure you know how to be a better wife through all the ups and downs of life.