crissycates.com

Living life on purpose.

How To Be a Better Wife

You know what the Bible calls a mystery? Marriage. Seriously, we shouldn’t feel bad when it seems like a tall order for us mere mortals. Here’s proof:

For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am speaking about Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:31-32

To be clear: After entering the covenant of marriage, not only are we expected to be one with our spouse, but our marriage is also supposed to be a representation of how Christ (the perfect one) relates to us, His beloved (the broken peeps). NO BIG DEAL.

I don’t know about you, but my marriage is a spitting image of Christ’s love for the church. No anger, disrespect, unloving behavior, or flaring tempers. Baaaahahahaha! I’m not even going to act like you didn’t know I was pulling your leg. Friends, let’s get real. Even the best marriages are often mundane, hectic, thoughtless, and broken. Worst case scenario they’re hateful, disrespectful, contemptuous, and dead. Long story short: our marriages are a sorry excuse for what God actually has in mind for this institution. But God has more for us, and it’s never ever too late. So, do you want to know how to be a better wife? How to escape the world’s impossibly low standards for marriage and soar above and beyond? How to believe there’s more for yourself, your husband, and your marriage? I do, too. Dive on in. The water’s fine.


1. Look in the mirror. Get real with yourself, girlfriend. Sometimes you have to go first. Let’s say your husband has no desire to be a better husband. Do you still want to know how to be a better wife? (Say yes.) Make the decision up front, and get to work on YOU. There’s nothing like personal development to inspire you and the people around you (in this case, maybe your husband) to know better and do better. Be honest about your strengths and weaknesses, and choose an area or two you’re going to start with that will help you learn how to be a better wife.

2. Show unconditional respect. We’ve been incredibly conditioned to buy into the lie that unconditional love is a reasonable expectation, but unconditional respect need not exist. On the list of Books That Built Me, I cite the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. To learn in depth about the need for unconditional love AND respect in a relationship, please head over to this post to find the links for the book and audiobook. But for now, I’ll leave you with this. Our husbands are desperate for our respect, just as we’re desperate for their love. Here are some common ways we unintentionally (and often unknowingly) show disrespect to them:

  • Our tone of voice (degrading, demeaning, belittling, sarcastic).
  • Our facial expressions (look of disgust, disapproval, disdain).
  • Questioning things he says (How do you know? Is that even true?).
  • Constantly correcting him (No, it should be done this way. No, that’s not exactly how it happened.).

Confession: I’ve been guilty of every last one of these. Not because I’ve wanted to show disrespect to my husband, but simply because I’m human and the farthest thing from a perfect wife. We can learn how to be better wives by concentrating on these common forms of disrespect and intentionally showing unconditional respect. Let’s commit to using a positive, respectful tone of voice (even in disagreement), donning a pleasant or at least neutral facial expression as often as possible, and biting our tongues when we’re tempted to question or correct every time he’s talking. We’ll mess up, but we can at least point our sites in the right direction.

3. Unmistakable communication. This just in: males aren’t good hint-takers. I’m guessing it’s just not in their DNA. My husband happens to be really willing to communicate (I honestly count myself remarkably lucky), but nevertheless, he’s a terrible hint-taker. I do this funny thing when I need him to help me with something. I always start the sentence with “Hey, do you want to…” and he thinks it’s just ridiculous. It’s usually something like, “Hey, do you want to stop by the grocery store?” or “Hey, do you want to go wipe the toddler’s poopy bottom?” or “Hey, do you want to take out the trash?” He invariably answers, “No, but I will.” I’m just trying to be nice, subtle, or gentle with my request. He’d much rather I say, “Hey, it would really help me if…” or “I really need your help with…” Men prefer direct, unconfusing, unmistakable communication. Be clear with him about what you love, what you need, what you wish would change, and how he can help you. Most good-willed men genuinely want to be your hero. They just don’t always perceive what you need. Say it! Don’t hint at it and then be upset when he doesn’t catch on.

4. Criticize less, encourage more. What motivates you more: when someone says you suck at something, or when someone encourages you and believes in you? DUH. This is a no-brainer, but something we fall into easily and often in our homes. This is true for our children and just as much for our husbands. Praise him and thank him for helping rather than showing him how it really should be done. Encourage his parenting, his dieting, his workouts, his career path, his strength, his spiritual leadership, his courage, his integrity, his bravery, his willingness to provide, his accomplishments, and anything and everything else you can think of.

Instead of “Hmmm. I thought you were going to work out today. I knew you wouldn’t stick with it.” Try, “You may have missed your workout today, but I know you’ll be right back at it tomorrow. No big deal!” He’ll be so esteemed and encouraged he’ll try to be even better for you and for himself.

5. Evaluate your influences. We are a total of the five people we spend our time with (i.e., those we’re influenced by). Who’s influencing your marriage? Do work in an office full of divorced man-haters? Watch out, girl. Does your sister talk bad about your husband or your marriage? Put a stop to it. We’re too easily dragged down by other people’s thoughts, actions, lifestyles, and opinions. It’s worth guarding your heart and mind for the sake of your marriage. You may have to politely decline to take part in some conversations and be clear to others that you expect them to respect your marriage because you do. Don’t trick yourself into believing others’ negative opinions aren’t affecting you. They definitely are and will. Marriage is hard enough when just the two of you are involved. No one else should be invited.

6. Spend intentional time together. Find time to laugh together, eat together, talk to one another, and get away every once in a while. My husband and I just attended a 2-day marriage conference and we agree it was absolutely invaluable. I know that time, energy, and money are in short supply, but do what you have to do to spend intentional time with your husband. It all started with you and him, and it will end with you and him. Tell him this is important to you. It probably is to him, too.

7. Pray for your husband and your marriage. God has greater things than you imagine for you, your husband, your marriage, and your family. Talk to God about your hopes, dreams, and desires for your husband and your marriage. Consistent prayer and intentionally guarding your hearts and minds in Him are the only ways to world-proof your marriage. Setting your marriage on cruise control while things are hard, kids are young, finances are tight, and careers are busy is a recipe for disaster, dissension, and divorce if you’re not careful. Seek Godly counsel. Become friends with other Christian couples. Attend a marriage conference. Study the Bible together. Pray together. Keep the main thing the main thing: God first, spouse second. This will ensure you know how to be a better wife through all the ups and downs of life.

How to Be a Better Mom

We’re all better moms than some, right? I like to place myself somewhere between crack-addict and June Cleaver. (I vary on the spectrum depending on what day it is.)

In all seriousness, I think most of us are just striving to be better moms, wives, friends, and women. Not better than any one person, but better today than we were yesterday. In a Pinterest-perfect society, measuring up is an all-too-daunting task. No, an impossible task. And an unnecessary one, at that.

The minute I get my pantry looking like a square out of @cottonstem’s IG, I realize my kids are eating old goldfish out of the couch for lunch (that means I now don’t have to make anything else to eat, right?). The second I get my hair, makeup, and outfit so perfect I might be mistaken for @thesisterstudioig, I find my 3-year-old naked on the kitchen counter wielding a knife (You think I’m joking, don’t you?). One step forward means two steps back errrr day. Let’s just get real. We don’t have to look that cute, be that talented, or serve responsibly sourced salmon atop a bed of organic mixed greens to our well-mannered, grateful children every blessed night in order to be good moms. We’re good, girl. Let’s decide to simply be better versions of ourselves than we were yesterday. Let’s love our children, husbands, friends, and neighbors well. Chances are, our kids won’t actually grow up to be unclothed knife bearers in the end.

1. Love others well. Kids learn to be good and decent humans by watching us be loving, respectful, gracious, and kind. I CRINGE when I see adults with children in tow telling off the cashier, flipping off the car next to them, or being disrespectful to their spouse. Will we be perfect examples? Pshhhhh! Heck no! But, we can try to do the right thing, even when it’s hard. After all, we expect the same thing from our kids, right? When we blow it in front of our kids, we should tell them we messed up and apologize for our actions. That’s a double-whammy of a lesson for our little mini-me’s. 1. No one is perfect. 2. We should apologize when we do the wrong thing. This makes you a better mom.

2. Take a genuine interest in your kids. Let’s one up the “How was your day?” routine. In my experience, that question produces little more than a shoulder-shrug. I get it. Between work, dinner, chauffering back and forth to practices, bathtimes, and bedtimes, stuff gets real dadgum busy and your brain is honestly too tired for words. But, if we miss these everyday opportunities to listen to the uneventful and mundane, we’ll inevitably miss the significant, life-changing conversations, too.  Ask what made them laugh, if anything made them sad, and who they sat with at lunch. Ask if they felt good about themselves that day, how they served someone, and what they would do over again if they could change something about the day. Talk to them about video games, sports, friends, dreams, grades, and goals. Relationship has to precede rules, or none of it really matters. It’s worth it, mama. This makes you a better mom.

3. When you want to punch them, hug them instead. Or something like that. No one can drive us more batty than our very own offspring. WHY IS IT SO? This is coming from the mom whose oldest is but a pre-teen, so stay tuned. The punching may still ensue. (I’M JOKING!) Really, though, I’ve learned that the calmer I remain, the better this whole thing turns out. When their attitudes collide with my own (I have no idea where they get it), they treat me more like a peer. When I stay calm (read: act like the adult), I am in control and they can’t steal my chill. This is oh so much easier said than done, but I’ve found that when I think this through in advance and then remind myself at the time to stick with what I know to be right, I really can do it. Less frustration, less yelling, less apologizing, and less feeling like a crappy mom. Win-win! This makes you a better mom.

4. Share your burdens. Nothing makes me feel better than having dinner and a glass of wine with friends I trust and talking through the difficulties of motherhood. It’s literally therapy, people. We definitely laugh, might even cry, and certainly go home feeling 100% better about this stage of life we’re in. Relating to others is everything. Talk to your mom, talk to your sister, or talk to a counselor. I’ve been there and done it all, friends. When my husband was deployed for 9 months, I found that I didn’t want to share the complex burdens with those closest to me for 9 months straight, so I saw a therapist. It was all so helpful. We’re not meant to take this journey alone! God created us to first need Him, second one another. This makes you a better mom.

5. Delegate! I know I’m not alone when I say a messy or cluttered house = grouchy mom en mi casa. The state of my home is like a mirror into my brain. If the house is clean and tidy, I can take whatever life throws at me. I work from home and constantly have to refrain from taking time out of my workday to clean and tidy up. Here’s the fact of the matter: My work only I can do. However, I married a man (THANK GOD FOR HIM) and birthed three able-bodied boys who can (and do) help with the rest. I’m not above justifying this to my kids. “If you can do these chores well, this will help you as you grow older, and it will help Mommy now.” Their knowing I can be much more present with them once we’ve all done our part is almost always enough motivation to do their part. (That, and serious personal threats.) This makes you a better mom.

6. Expect chaos. When you have a newborn, you’re not surprised that you’re up all night for feedings, cradling a crying baby, and changing 312 diapers a day. It’s exhausting, but probably exactly what you expected. In the same way, expect extreme chaos while having kids at home. There’s no other way. From babyhood to the teenage years, these kids be cray. They’re going to be too loud, make massive messes, produce ridiculous amounts of laundry, be terrible at chores, not do their homework, eat all your food, and drive you nuts. You’re going to get thrown up on and peed on. They’ll poop on the floor, stain your sofa, break your things, and ruin your carpet. They’ll get sick right before vacation and you’ll have to cancel your trip. They’ll make the team and monopolize your entire summer. They’ll not make the team and break your whole heart. They’ll demand more when you have nothing left to give. They’ll be bratty and precious and awful and hilarious and so smart and so dumb and you just have to embrace it all. You’ll say things like, “Don’t smell your brother’s butt,” and “Stop feeding bananas to your dinosaur,” and “Please get your penis off the table.” (All these things have actually come out of my mouth.) It somehow makes it easier when you fully expect the ups and downs, the highs and lows. This makes you a better mom.

Laugh when you feel like crying. Have a good cry, too. They say we’ll miss the mayhem one day, and I bet they’re right. You are a better mom.

Know Better. Do Better.

Many of the personal development gurus, authors, and bloggers I follow are talking about their word for the year. They’ve chosen a word to inspire how they live their lives in 2019. I just need to know: Is it okay if I have four words? I’m starting to think that’s my thing. Four words. Last year I had four words that inspired me (see post here for my words of 2018). This year, my mantra is “Know Better; Do Better.”

I’d say this is more of a philosophy than just a phrase for 2019. This year more than ever, I’m committed to putting more action behind the idea. In a world where we’re constantly encouraged to give ourselves grace, what if we demanded excellence from ourselves? Let me explain.

Forget to pack your kids’ lunch? Give yourself grace. Constantly losing your temper with your kids? Do better. Splurged on a designer pair of sunnies? Grace. Constantly going over your family budget or sabotaging your finances? Do better. Snap at your spouse? Grace (and ask for forgiveness). Constantly showing disrespect or being unloving to your spouse? Do better. Grabbing fast food when you’re in a pinch for time and energy? Grace. Regularly feeding your family an unhealthy diet? Do better. Put on a few holiday pounds? Grace. Avoiding the steps that could help you shed the weight you’ve told yourself you would for the last five years? Do better.

If we’re not careful, we can so easily use “grace” as a crutch to not be the best version of ourselves we can be. “Grace” can turn into an excuse on why it’s just too hard to follow through on your plans and achieve your goals. Ask me how I know.

You see, for much of my life, follow through has been a challenge for me. It’s not that I’m not good enough, smart enough, educated enough, or capable enough, it’s that I’ve given myself “grace” in the small things that seemed insignificant at the time, but were really just excuses to not put in the hard work that would have led to success.

Know Better

On the other hand, I’m incredibly self-reflective and hold myself to a high standard. When I realize I’m lacking in a given area of my life, I can’t ignore it. When parenting is especially hard, I go to the experts. I read books, listen to podcasts, listen to the One Place App, and do it all over again. This is the same principle I apply to parenting, eating, cooking, my faith, my habits, my finances, etc. Truth bomb: there’s too much information out there for you not to seek help. What area of your life do you wish to improve? There’s an expert for that. People way smarter than I have done the research, written the books, given Ted Talks, and they’re there for the taking.

Do Better

Now, for the hard part. It’s the doing that makes the difference. I’m not kidding when I say there are books I’ve reread several times because I constantly need refreshing. It’s so easy to get pumped about implementing a new discipline strategy or a more intentional way of interacting with my spouse, but oh, how life gets ahold of me. I so often revert back to old habits. Do you find this is true for you, too? When you hit this wall, remember you now know better. Refresh yourself. Go back to the books. Listen to a new podcast. What’s out there to serve you? Make knowing better a daily habit for you. Then follow through and do better. Your life and those you do life with will be better for it.

Join me in making this a year of Knowing Better and Doing Better. See how I stay inspired here!

FACEBOOK INSTAGRAM