Hi, friends! I’m glad you’re here. If you missed Part One of the Culture Raised Kids series, click here to catch up! After researching all the things swirling around in this head of mine and then asking for input on concerns about raising kids in today’s culture, I realized that I could either write an entire book on my findings or split this up into a few different posts. I decided on the latter. (For now.) Part Two includes the elements of culture that are peers, role models, and entitlement.
Peers
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Jim Rohn
I remember switching schools in between middle school and high school. I was thrown into a whole new group of peers at an already difficult age. I remember walking the halls searching for a few familiar faces out of thousands of students, determined to find my place amongst the crowd. It wasn’t easy. I started to learn that the groups of peers I interacted with determined my reputation, my parents’ approval or disapproval, my grades, and even my own thoughts and behaviors.
Fast forward to present day. We recently ended up with a kid on our doorstep that we don’t often hang around. Suffice it to say she doesn’t have the best reputation in the neighborhood. We welcomed her in, loved on her with food and drinks, and the kids ran around in the house together (with my ears following closely behind). When she was leaving, she asked if my boys could come to her house to play sometime. I diplomatically said no, and was left with questions from my boys once she was gone. I had a lot of explaining to do.
From the moment of our first toddler playdate til the day we die, peers influence us in a big way. There’s nothing like being accepted, or on the other hand, rejected, by your peers. We don’t easily relinquish the desire to fit in, be known, and be loved. We are born to be social beings and the instinct to relate to others doesn’t die off until we do. Peer influences are a powerful thing. A crucial thing.
This is where our kids need our help. They lack perspective, life experience, and confidence in who they are. Their peers are almost everything to them, despite the obvious doses of reasoning, logic, and common sense that beg for recognition. Kids want first and foremost to fit in (especially as adolescents), and often times they try at all costs.
Take Action!
We as parents must pay attention. Who are your kids hanging out with? Are you aware of their reputation? What do they talk about? Should you let them go to this kid’s house? Stay the night? What are their parents like? Are their rules the same as yours? Do their beliefs, morals, and values align with yours? If you can’t answer all of these questions to 100% satisfaction, you’ve got to err on the side of caution. Not everyone is trustworthy. Not always will everything be “just fine.” If you don’t guard your kids’ hearts, minds, and innocence, no one else will. Talk to your kids about reputation, guilt by association, and how you inevitably become like the people you’re hanging around. Say no when you need to. Say no when you’re just not sure and you don’t know why. Take time to explain your concerns to your kids. Tell them it’s your responsibility to guard them. Listen to your maternal or paternal instincts. Pray for discretion. Ask questions to your kids, their friends, and their friends’ parents. In many cases, their friends’ parents are having the same thoughts, uncertainties, and concerns you are. Listen to what your kids say about their friends without judging or giving your input (easier said than done!). Ask them what they think of their friends. As kids get older and more freedom is given, keep talking to them about these things. And most importantly of all, keep your ears open more than your mouth (I’m talking to me here)!
Role Models
There’s something about being propelled into fame that makes a person an instant role model, whether they deserve to be or not. They can display the good, bad, and the really really ugly, and ever still we buy their albums, hang their posters on our walls, and pay ungodly amounts of money for their concert tickets. In my home with three sons, the posters hanging on our walls and the names rolling off our tongues are usually professional athletes. Luckily, we don’t watch the news on TV in our house, so many of the tangled webs these celebrities weave go unnoticed by my boys. However, there are times they get wind of the latest scandal involving the NFL’s finest, and we have issues to address.
It’s important our kids know that we can admire a person’s talent without admiring his or her behavior, choices, or lifestyle. My kids will often say, “I’m a fan of how he plays football, but not of how he acts,” or “He’s a great player, but not a great person.” I believe it’s imperative we drive home this understanding in our kids. In a house full of girls, you might be explaining that, while she’s a talented singer, you’re disappointed in Miley Cyrus for her words, actions, or choices because she’s not displaying self-respect.
Take Action!
Our kids are going to notice and look up to celebrities, and that’s normal. Point out the athletes, singers, actors, and celebrities who use their platform in a positive and responsible manner. Point out the positive character traits you notice and admire in those people. Talk to them about why people respect those characteristics and how important it is to display them in their own lives and careers. Make sure your kids have real life role models to look up to. Coaches, teachers, preachers, youth group leaders, mom, dad, big siblings/cousins/uncles/aunts…find a positive one and encourage it!
Entitlement
While it’s so prevalent in our culture today, using the word “entitlement” makes me feel like an old-fashioned 80-something talking about “kids these days.” But really, can you believe the kids these days?
And (I mean this in love), we parents are often to blame. We couldn’t possibly leave to chance which teacher they may get (she might be too hard on him), which team they may play on (my kid might not shine brightly enough), their school project (I don’t want it to look like a nine-year-old completed this third grade project), and most detrimental, natural consequences (I don’t want her to feel the pain). Convicted? I am.
Our kids have to know that they’re not special. Okay, that sounds bad. They are special. They’re fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of their Creator and have been set apart for a special and specific purpose. Let me phrase that better: the world doesn’t revolve around them. They have lessons to learn, calluses to build, and resiliency to develop. If we protect them from these things, they become precious little disasters who need safe places and coloring books when the day doesn’t go their way. God help them. And us.
It’s in the trenches that character is formed, revelations are had, and innovators are born. The school of hard knocks isn’t always a bad thing.
I had a mom tell me about her kid being released from a baseball team when the team they’d been on for years decided to become a fancy schmancy select team. Ouch. The sting of rejection hurts. But, watching how his parents processed this hurt, this break in loyalty, this breach of trust, and finding a new team turned out to be a blessing in disguise. People will always fail us. Life just isn’t fair. Sometimes kids get knocked down. And here’s the kicker – none of this changes when we become adults. If we don’t allow our kids to experience it now, how in the world will they handle it when they’re all grown up? I mean, what if they can’t find their crayons?
Take Action!
Let your kids experience natural consequences. Leave things that don’t really matter to chance. Let them fail. Help them up. Teach them to find the lesson in the journey. Model for them how to react when things don’t go your way (you’ll have plenty of opportunities!). Remind them that it’s not about them. Other people have struggles we know nothing about. Teach them that we are refined in the fire and always come out stronger on the other end. Teach them to be loyal. Show them what true loyalty is in the midst of your own family. Teach them that not everyone is loyal, and to expect that. Tell them that they can do hard things. Tell them that life is tough, but so are they. Tell them when things didn’t happen to them, but they rather happened because of them.
