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Culture-Raised Kids: Part One

Parenting is the single most difficult and important job in the world. It’s non-stop, stressful, unrelenting, high-pressure, intense work that draws out a gamut of emotions. So, naturally, I couldn’t WAIT to become a mom!

Three kids in, and I’m not just a regular mom…I’m a cool mom (I only polled myself, but I consider that a reliable poll nonetheless). While being insanely cool is a noteworthy venture, I aspire to be not just a cool mom, but a great mom! As it turns out, good parenting requires effort when I’m weary, strength when I’m tired, confidence when I’m guilt-ridden, and careful thought and planning. Admitting I don’t have all the answers and that Yes, I do in fact need help, has become the rule, not the exception. *Sigh.

Today’s culture presents some unique challenges. If we’re not careful, culture will take over and raise our kids for us. If that doesn’t terrify you, you’re not paying attention.

For parents, the minutes turn to days, the days to months, and the months to years so quickly that we often fail to realize that our culture is playing a bigger role in raising our kids than we are. We have to constantly prune the garden that is our children’s lives and not let weeds run rampant. Today I bring you Part One of a three-part series entitled Culture-Raised Kids. Part One includes the elements of culture that are family life and spirituality.

Family Life

The impact a strong family life has on kids is perhaps the most underrated element in society today. The pursuit of the elusive “happiness” trumps keeping families together time and time again. Our culture has fallen hook, line, and sinker for the lie that the grass is greener on the other side. Many spouses are unwilling to fight for their marriage, duped into believing it should be easy to love another imperfect human day in and day out. (Spoiler alert: It’s not. But it IS doable.)

Each parent has an invaluable role in raising kids. Downgrading that to a part-time job is detrimental. Don’t fall in line with culture in teaching your kids that strong family involvement is totally optional. It’s absolutely essential to the strong development of our boys and girls and ultimately the strength of society itself. Our children learn who they are, where they come from, and who they will be by watching and listening to how we, their parents, live our lives.  

Each family will look different based on experiences, unique challenges, and individuals’ choices that are sometimes beyond our control. People make mistakes (darn humans). Sometimes you’ve got to make wrong decisions right or clean up other people’s messes. Life isn’t made of rainbows and fairy dust. Good intentions fall short. Life is hard. We fail. Often. There’s no cookie-cutter image to live up to.

God hands out forgiveness and redemption like candy at a parade. He ain’t even mad at ya. He creates beauty from ashes and erects a masterpiece constructed of our very broken pieces. It’s never too late, no one is ever too far gone. Intentionally create a strong family unit with the loved ones you do have. God will take your little bit and turn it into a lot.

Take Action!

Spend time with your kids. Create memories. Surprise them. Have weekly, monthly, and annual traditions that they’ll always remember and pass down to their kids one day. Talk to them. Watch them play. Read to them, even when they’re big. Set high expectations. Believe in them. Hold them accountable. Make them do their share. Give them responsibilities. Take them to church. Lead by example. Play games with them. Tell them you’re sorry. Tell them you love them. Give them a hug and a kiss every single day. Tell them yes. Tell them no. Don’t protect them from natural consequences. Teach them that family is the most important thing after God, and live that out yourself.

Spirituality

No matter one’s religion, beliefs, or unbelief, spirituality is something that every human will grapple with in their lifetime. We were created to long for something more, something bigger than ourselves. Every person has a God-sized hole that can only be filled with Him.

Today’s culture is so focused on being inclusive, on making everyone feel accepted, happy, and hunky dory, we tread ever-so-lightly around this topic. The truth is, our country was founded on Biblical principles. Our laws, norms, and traditions are centered around Judeo-Christian beliefs. Society today denies these truths, blurs moral lines and ignores right and wrong. What once was taken for granted is now cause for confusion and protest.

Take Action!

Teach your kids the facts. Buy them their own Bible. Read the Bible to them. Do family devotions regularly. Be a spiritual leader. Talk about God and the things He’s created. Teach them His words and His promises. Tell them He gave His life for them and He loves them unconditionally. Live like you believe it. Let them know that there IS right and wrong. Teach them about forgiveness. Tell them they should always stand up for what they believe. Prepare them to defend their faith. Teach them not to be judgmental – it’s not in their job description. Show them that how they live speaks louder than what they say. Make sure they know that it’s not about what people look like, where they live, or how they worship, it’s about what they believe in their hearts. Teach them to, above all else, LOVE others. Teach them what it means to be like Jesus. 

The X Discipline System

You know, I really had the whole discipline thing figured out before I had kids. And then, I had one (sweet, compliant Number One), and through trial and error figured out what worked for him. Then, Number Two came along, and I had to tweak some things. Number Three made his appearance and, well, let’s just say I need prayer. 😉

The crazy thing about disciplining kids is that what works for one may not work for the others. And then, what works for them one week may not work the next. Also, we have to do all the things right. We have to be patient, kind, loving, and consistent. It’s no wonder we end up screaming, yelling, crying, rocking in the fetal position in the corner…

We constantly question ourselves, our methods and tactics, and still end the day feeling like we came up short.

Even before I had kids, I was interested in the psychology of all things human (that was my major in college). I always gravitated toward learning about discipline and parenting, so when my oldest was born, I took the first opportunity I could to attend a seminar on parenting and constructive discipline. I have searched and googled and I can’t find who it was that I took the seminar from, but this concept is all over the internet. Suffice it to say, I did not make this up. 

I recently remembered it and decided to give it a shot with my 11 and 7-year-old boys. Here’s our take on the “X” Discipline System.

Disclaimer: I used it on our 3-year-old (who’s now 11) at the time of the conference and he was too young. He didn’t give a hoot about X’s.

Our kids have weekly charts. We start over each Wednesday. If you are doing this with a 4, 5, maybe 6-year-old, a daily chart might be a better idea. The chart has 10 squares on it and is placed into a plastic sheet protector (or you could laminate it). The first three are warnings, the next seven are privileges that the kids can lose until the week starts over. Start with the least devastating, and end with the most dramatic. I had to put a lot of thought into the order of our consequences and decide on specific guidelines for each. It’s important to clarify these ahead of time. Get your kids’ input and go over the charts with them. Now, the ball is in their court. Your job here is done.

When they disobey, don’t listen, neglect their responsibilities, show disrespect, or display any negative behavior you want to squash, calmly tell them “That’s an X.” They will use a dry erase marker to mark an X across the next available square. It’s either one of three warnings, or a privilege is lost. There’s no earning them back (this would just teach them that they can misbehave and then go do a chore or a good deed with no real consequence at all). If at some point you decide you’d like to change or rearrange the consequences on the chart, do it.

Click HERE and I’ll send you a fully customizable, free printable for your kiddos!

Here are a few truths to keep in mind ahead of time:

  • Consistency is key.

Sorry to throw such a boring, cliche phrase at you, but there is no greater truth than this. When it comes to discipline, kids will test you. Every time. If sometimes you’re not consistent, they’ll step over the line again and again. If they know you’re a stickler, they’ll walk the line. I’m not even joking. It’s science.

  • No warnings allowed.

If you constantly warn your kids that they will get an X, might get an X, they’re about to get an X, this is a completely ineffective system. If we teach them that they don’t have to listen and obey the first time, what’s the point? That’s the reason there are 3 warning spots on the X chart. Don’t feel bad. They may be shocked at first because they’re used to us giving seven warnings before ever getting a consequence (it’s no wonder they’re so unruly, amiright??). They’ll catch on super quick. They’re not stupid. They’re just kids!  

  • No emotion from the parents is necessary.

In fact, it’s essential that you’re completely unemotional. Oh, you rolled your eyes at me? That’s an X. You shoved your brother? That’s an X. You’re talking back? That’s an X. You’re screaming and arguing because you got an X? That’s an X. It’s really no problem here. I’m just chillin’. I don’t need to get into a yelling match. I don’t even need to raise my voice. I hold the power. I’m the parent, you’re the kid. I love you and this is our system and I’m not going to be mad about it. Tell them you’re so sad for them, and you understand why they’re disappointed. Tell them you believe they will do better next time/tomorrow/next week.

  • Sometimes you won’t want to take away their privileges because it’s a beating for you.

This is one of the really hard things about being a parent. Sometimes punishing them isn’t a walk in the park for you. BUT, it’s key to not raising jerkholes. And, if you’re really and truly consistent, they’ll stop losing so many privileges.

  • You don’t have to think about discipline.

This is the humdinger for me. In the moment with no plan in place, I usually grasp at straws for consequences. If yelling has failed (it always does), my go-to’s are 1) No more Xbox/iPad/TV, 2) Go to your room, 3) You’re grounded! They’re all pretty irrelevant, unintentional, inconsistent, and a surprise to everyone involved (including me). Having the X system means not having to think about a consequence at all. And, the kids know what to expect every time. This makes me not feel bad about it at all! Like, “Dude, you knew what was coming next!”

I like that this system really streamlines all the difficult things about discipline. This doesn’t have to be your end-all, be-all, but you can certainly use it as a tool in your parenting toolbox. Who knows? Maybe it will be a winner! I’d love to hear your best discipline strategies!

Get your free, fully customizable printable sent to you right away. Click here!

When Your Kids Won’t Talk to You

When Your Kids Won’t Talk to You

I’ve heard it said that if you don’t listen to your kids when they’re little (you know, spouting off random, useless, unimportant information riddled with exhausting details), they won’t talk to you when they’re older (and stuff is really, truly big and important). There’s no doubt that as parents we have it in our power to foster a talking and listening environment with our kids. We can set the tone of giving and taking, speaking and listening, and respectfully interacting with each other. Don’t lose hope – it’s never too late! What you start today will become the norm for the days, weeks, and years ahead.

Depending on your kid, words don’t always come cheap. This is especially true as they get older and start going through adolescence and beyond (WHY DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN??). Here are a handful of ways I’ve found to keep my kids talking to me about the good, the bad, the boring, the serious, the silly, and everything in between.

Find joy in them and their conversations.

Every kid starts out LOVING the sound of their own voice. Honestly. Have you ever had a four-year-old? They will talk, ask questions, and tell stories until your ears are actually bleeding from verbal assault. How we respond to them is kind of a big deal. (Holy Spirit, please be ever present and take complete control of my facial expressions.) If they start to get the vibe that we’re annoyed, too busy, apathetic, or phony, they’ll check out and rarely come back.
Dear friends, do not judge yourselves too harshly here. This is a “majority rules” situation. We cannot be Smiling, Interactive, and Fully Engaged Mom 100% of the time. Just TODAY my 11-year-old was talking to me about something (ahem…I have no idea what), and I must have given a very poor canned response like, “Ohhh wow. Is that right, honey? That’s nice.” He called me out without hesitation. “Mom, you weren’t even listening to me.” IN MY DEFENSE I was behind the wheel, trying to crack the code in a parking situation in downtown Dallas, and my brain was unavailable for comment. #momfail

However, I can say with certainty that this is the exception, not the rule. I typically try to hear them and fully engage with whatever topic may be on their minds or hearts at the time. Majority rules.VIEW POST

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