How to Handle Your 2-Year-Old Like a Boss

Advice From A 2-Year-Old

I’m really not sure what all you grown-ups find so hard to understand about 2-year-olds. I mean, I’m a 2-year-old, and I think my behavior is completely rational 100% of the time. I’m the youngest of three boys, and my mom is basically a pro. She never gets frustrated, flustered, or confused by my behavior at all. She totally gets me. But, for all you other grown-ups, here’s some simple advice for you to handle your 2-year-old like a boss.

1. When I ask for a glass of milk, I might mean water. Or juice. Don’t just go pour a glass of milk and hand it to me. I know I said I wanted milk, but that might not be what I want thirty seconds later when you hand the cup to me. Try to keep up. Don’t act like you never change your mind.
2. I know my hands are covered in peanut butter and jelly, but I need you to hold me RIGHT NOW. I need to rub my hands all over your pants and shirt and grab your face and give you a big smooch. I know, I have rejected your kisses, hugs, and offers to hold me all day long. But right now, I need you to hold me RIGHT THIS SECOND or I’m going to cry actual tears of devastation from being so very neglected. This is obviously not the time for hand-washing.
3. For the past six months, I’ve loved bananas. But if you give me one today, I’m going to throw it on the floor and step on it. I’m not going to eat it. I want nothing to do with bananas today. You seem confused. Do I need to slow down?
4. You let me choose my jammies. That’s a really good call. I love choices! Monster jammies or football jammies? Hmmmm…I’ll go with monsters. But now that you put my arm in the monster jammies, I just remembered how much I love footballs. I want football jammies. You keep cramming my body into these monster jammies when that’s obviously not what I actually wanted to choose. It’s like you don’t even love me. Allow me to put my justified dissatisfaction on display by kicking and screaming.
5. Sometimes we throw fits. Remember, we’re still trying to figure out this “emotion” thing. It’s not a big deal. Don’t mind it too much. Don’t give us too much attention during a tantrum or we might get the wrong idea. Also, don’t ignore us while we’re throwing a fit. How would you like it if everyone just walked around and ignored you while you were sad? Don’t give us attention OR ignore us. It’s that simple.
6. Potty training. I don’t think you want me to go to kindergarten in diapers, do you? It’s probably time you taught me to start using the potty. Newsflash: I have literally no desire to do that. I’ve gone two years with a diaper covering my baby bits when I go #1 and #2, and you all of the sudden expect me to strip down, sit on a cold, plastic seat, and let loose? Bye, Felicia. I’ll have none of it.
7. I know…I’m a “handful.” I hear you say that all the time. But, I’m growing up quickly, Mommy. Don’t forget how fast these years will fly by. I won’t remember most of these days, but every day you’re building who I’m going to be. I know you’re exhausted, Mommy, but you’re doing a fantastic job! If it isn’t obvious by my classic 2-year-old behavior, know that I really do love you. So much. In fact, I couldn’t live a day without you.