I’m Unraveled

“Find me faithful,” I whisper to the Lord as I pull back the covers and follow the sound of my phone alarm plugged in across the room. That’s become my mantra lately: Find me faithful. Through the busy, through the twists and turns, through the laughter, through the tears, through working and cooking and cleaning and mothering and marriage. 

A day that starts at 5 am begs me to quit long before it’s actually time to wrap things up. Fast forward to 8 pm. After innumerable timeouts, messes, and homework battles, weariness is real and exhaustion is almost as relentless as my three-year-old who never ceases to get out of bed 12 times before finally falling asleep. Was I patient enough today? I should have been nicer. Are we forgetting anything for school tomorrow? Gah, whatever you do, don’t forget about the tooth fairy again. 

Another night goes by in which I hopelessly glance at the menacing laundry pile in the corner. It taunts me more and more with every new ketchup-stained shirt and stinky sock. Surely I’ll get to it tomorrow. 

The painful bumps on my chin demand a dermatologist visit in which she asks, “Are you especially stressed?” I don’t even know how to answer that. Is it possible that that’s just my way of life?

A cycle of tired, busy, self-doubting days creates a week and unwaveringly promises to bring another one full of the same. Tomorrow I might have it together, but today, I’m unraveled. 

Why is this so hard? This lovely life I’ve created with intention…the details of which I adore, cherish, and hold dear. The season I find myself in is demanding, precious, and oh-so-fleeting. I love it so much and it’s just so hard.

I endure. I keep on keeping on. I must give and give and give because it’s now or never. Rather than the laundry, I’ll sit on the side of my son’s bed and talk about his day. Rather than the sweeping, I’ll read bedtime stories, scratch backs, and sing songs. Rather than work I’ll lay with my husband on the couch and watch a tiny bit of TV with his foot in my hand because many days those are the only moments I look forward to.

I’ll browse Instagram later and wonder how she does it better. I’ll wish for her life even though I know I wouldn’t trade mine for the world. I’ll go to bed exhausted and wake up tired with those same three words, “Find me faithful.” Through the busy, through the twists and turns, through the laughter, through the tears, through working and cooking and cleaning and mothering and marriage.