“Mom, thanks for being understanding and nice.” The words from my 12-year-old sank in and settled in my soul. This time, I got it right.
There’s something about having a prepubescent adolescent and a toddler at the same time (let’s not forget the one in between that really keeps things exciting) that has a tendency to truly expose the many weaknesses of a tired, stressed-out mom. (Or maybe that’s not it at all. Maybe it’s just the one preteen. Just let me go with it. It makes for a really good excuse, no?)
It’s the after-school hours that really put my frailties on display. Things like fussy toddlers, messes, homework, sibling rivalry, discipline, bad grades, dinner, practices, and dishes all demand my attention at exactly the same time. Add to that a preteen attitude (that if it wasn’t so darn offensive it would be hilarious) and well, If I’m being honest, I’m not always that understanding and nice.
You know the drill. Sometimes they’re outgoing, witty, in great spirits, and downright fun to be around. But, lest you get comfortable and think the middle-school years are going to be a breeze, that same kid will turn on you so fast you’re left wide-eyed, cutting your eyes across the room to see if anyone else just witnessed this anomaly.
I never know exactly what I’ll find when my middle-schooler gets in the car after school each afternoon. It’s usually the silly, rambunctious kid I know who’s thrilled to finally be out of the classroom and desperately itching to get outside and burn off pent up energy. On the other hand, there are times he’s entirely moody, and even he doesn’t know why. When there’s a reason, he tells me. Sometimes, there’s simply not a reason to be found. He doesn’t even understand it, bless his heart.
You see, hormones are mean when you’re in middle school. Not only do they mess with your body and physical appearance, but they also mess with your mind and emotions. Stress hormones, sex hormones, and growth hormones have their way with every unsuspecting middle school child. Sometimes they feel really down, sad, angry, or confused, and they don’t even see it coming. It’s really not fair.
It’s in these times that, if I can rein in my tendency to try to control his words, actions, and feelings, I have the chance to connect with the heart of my growing boy and be exactly who he needs me to be when he needs me to be it. If I can ace this test, I’ll always have his heart. As a loving mother, I may be called to relinquish the expectations of my preteen being reasonable, respectful, and rational even if just for a moment. These opportunities are fleeting (thank God, amiright?) and we can either use them to strengthen our bond or lose them and a little bit of their heart in the process. Don’t panic, moms and dads. Hear me closely. I get this wrong more than I get this right. But, even just sometimes getting it right means my boy knows my heart’s attitude toward him. When he told me thank you, I silently vowed to myself that I’d try my best to always be exactly what he needs during these tough moments in the future.
He needs me to be patient. He needs me not to ask questions, demand answers, insist that he change his attitude, or apologize to his brother right this second.
He needs me to be understanding. He needs to know that it’s okay. He needs to hear that it’s okay to not feel okay sometimes and that we’ll get through it together. No, I’m not a punching bag for the moody rants of my preteen, but I can and should see his struggles for what they are and respectfully lend a hand, an ear, and be part of the solution.
He needs encouragement. He needs me to lift him up. He needs me to stay upbeat and not fall into the trap of reciprocating his attitude problem. He needs to hear, “Why don’t you get outside and shoot some hoops? I bet you’ll feel better right away.” or “Some days are just like that. I remember those days in middle school. Heck, I still have them now.” or “I’m here for you if you want to talk. I am confident you’re going to be a-okay.”
He needs a hug. Yep. Hug the porcupine. Give him a pat on the back, a high five, or a fist bump. Try to make him laugh. Tell him you love him and you think he’s an awesome kid. Ask him what he wants for dinner, or tell him he can have ice cream after just because.
Friends, there are so many days I get this wrong. But on this day, I got it right. And he noticed. This great kid of mine immediately said, “Mom, thanks for being understanding and nice.” It made a world of difference. He went outside, played basketball, and was back to himself right away. Here’s the takeaway: If I had met him where he was and lashed out at his unreasonable attitude toward everyone and everything, we would’ve had a tough night. (Ask me how I know.)
As parents, we must remember that when kids sound a lot like they’re giving us a hard time it’s because they’re having a hard time. I’ll tuck away this memory of the time I got it right and hopefully duplicate it again and again in the future. Lord knows I’ll have plenty of opportunities.
