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Culture-Raised Kids: Part Three

Welcome to Part Three of the Culture-Raised Kids Series! My goal is to take what I’ve learned and continue to learn from the experts about raising kids in today’s culture and relay it to you in practical ways (Plus, writing it down helps me to retain it!). If you missed Part One or Part Two, make sure to go back and read those, as well! There are many elements of culture that are unique to those of us raising kids in this generation (far more than I could ever write in three blog posts, to be sure). May we not be a generation of parents who bury our heads in the sand, but rather take advantage of the tools we have at our disposal to be proactive and intentional in how we are bringing up our boys and girls. The last three elements I’m going to present in this series are TV, Movies, Video Games.

TV

I love game shows. I want to be on one, watch them, and want everyone else in the room to be as excited as I am about them. My favorite is Family Feud. Well, it was. It used to be a fun, safe show that we could plop down on the couch and watch as a family. I mean, who doesn’t love a good, healthy dose of Steve Harvey? We’d shout out answers, gloat when our answer showed up on the board, and laugh at some of our own ridiculous guesses. It used to be that if there was ever a suggestive question or answer, it was just that – not obvious or truly inappropriate. Lately, it’s become overtly unsuitable for children. There’s a constant barrage of questions and answers about sex, male and female body parts, and pornography. There is a time and a place to address these issues with our children, but I wasn’t really counting on Steve Harvey to explain the birds and the bees to my kids if ya know what I mean. We’ve had to nix it as a family-friendly option in our household. (Sad face.)

The truth is, this is the rule, not the exception. As much as I want to huff, puff, and roll my eyes at this, it’s sadly just the way it is today. Sitcoms, TV, movies, reality shows, the NEWS, it’s really all a gamble. More often than not, our kids are going to be exposed to things we’d rather them not be when they’re watching the tube.

I’d rather not fight an uphill battle, so our simple solution is that we don’t watch “our shows” when the kids are up and about. Truthfully, we almost never have the television on a regular TV station. This is one of the beauties of technology today. We can watch what we want to on-demand. The kids watch safe, age-appropriate shows on Netflix or YouTube on our TV in the living room.  

Take action!

Keep the TV turned off unless there’s a specific show the kids can watch. Some of our current family favorites are America’s Got Talent, America’s Funniest Videos, and American Ninja Warrior. Pay attention to what they’re watching or wanting to watch. Check Common Sense Media (my lifesaver – more info on this in a moment) if you’re not sure about it!

Movies

One of my biggest pain points as a boy mom is that most of the superhero movies my kids are dying to see are filled with bad language at a minimum. For the life of me, I can’t understand why filmmakers, producers, and the powers that be insist on shoving these things down our throats – especially at the expense of our children’s innocence. There are even cartoon movies with cuss words, FOR THE LOVE. And, don’t tell me that they’re not meant for or directed at children. If that was the case, Walmart’s toy aisles wouldn’t be brimming with toys promoting the movie.  

Take Action!

I don’t allow my kids to see a movie without consulting Common Sense Media. This site has an honest review of all things media – TV, movies, video games, apps, etc. Under a section titled “What Parents Need to Know,” there’s a brief synopsis of the plot (no spoilers), gives an “expert opinion” on how old a kid should be to see (or play) the movie/show/app/video game, explains the situations and topics presented in the movie (or show/app/video game), which exact words to watch out for, and rates the following categories on a scale of 1-5: Educational Value, Positive Messages, Positive Role Models and Representations, Violence and Scariness, Sexy Stuff, Language, Consumerism, and Drinking, Drugs, and Smoking. There’s also a section where real parents (and even kids) leave a review and opinion on the media. This has become an invaluable resource for our family. 

Video Games

Did you know the medical community is now acknowledging a condition called “Gaming Disorder?” Google it. There are treatment options available. There’s rehab for it. I’m not even joking! As crazy as that sounds, can we just all agree that video games are a powerful force to be reckoned with in our children’s lives? Can we agree that video games hold power and have an influence on those who play them? I could delve into brain research and scientific and behavioral studies that have been done on this topic, but to avoid an excessive amount of writing and reading, can we just reasonably assume that we, as parents, should pay attention to and regulate which games we allow our kids to play? This includes those you put into a gaming system (PlayStation, XBOX, etc.) AND the many apps you can download on the phone or tablet.

Friends, there are some dangerous, inappropriate, violent, disturbing, sick games out there. When I googled “inappropriate video games” to see if those I already know about were mentioned, I came across an article titled “Keep it Secret: 25 Inappropriate Video Games You Don’t Want to Get Caught Playing.” I hadn’t heard of even one of them. If my kid came home and asked to download one, I would never have known it was inappropriate just by the name, I assure you. We can’t expect our kids to be fine if we’re not paying close attention.

Take Grand Theft Auto, for instance. This game has been around for decades, and it just keeps getting more and more shocking. Here’s what Common Sense Media has to say about it:

WHAT PARENTS NEED TO KNOW
Parents need to know that Grand Theft Auto V is an M-rated action game brimming with gang violence, nudity, extremely coarse language, and drug and alcohol abuse. It isn’t a game for kids. Playing as hardened criminals, players kill not only fellow gangsters but also police officers and innocent civilians using both weapons and vehicles while conducting premeditated crimes, including a particularly disturbing scene involving torture. Women are frequently depicted as sexual objects, with a strip club mini-game allowing players to fondle strippers’ bodies, which are nude from the waist up. Players also have the opportunity to make their avatars use marijuana and drink alcohol, both of which impact their perception of the world. None of the main characters in the game makes for a decent role model. All of them are criminals who think of themselves first and others rarely at all. Few games are more clearly targeted to an adult audience.

I found it interesting that the average “Parent Say” rating on this site for the age recommendation on this game was 12+. Hmmm. Thanks, parents, but we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that one. How ‘bout half past never? You guys, my second grader has friends who play this game. Just no. What is getting in those kids’ heads when they play this game? What are they being desensitized to? What are they learning, seeing, and how is this impacting their thought processes? It’s not good.

What are your thoughts on the infamous Fortnite? This has been a source of a lot of discussion in our house. We first said no, because of the violence aspect, and honestly, the kids didn’t really care much about it. Then, we started hearing more about it and the kids started asking more and more. We did some in-depth research. I read just about every review on Common Sense Media. My husband and I talked it to death. I prayed about it. It doesn’t seem to be over the top – there’s no sex, drinking, drugs, smoking, or language – but it is true that the characters are killing people as opposed to monsters or aliens.

My personal take: I always want to make decisions with intention, and not say no just for the sake of convenience or for no good reason. We ultimately allowed our 11-year-old to download it onto his iPad only, play in very limited increments, and we said no to the 7-year-old playing it at all. Would it truly harm him? I genuinely don’t think so, or I wouldn’t let either of them play it. But, I must remain in control and keep a precedence set so that we don’t let negative influences edge their way in, especially at such a young age.  

Take Action!

At a bare minimum, pay attention to the ratings on video games. I have an almost no-exception policy on having no T-rated games in our home until my kids are teens (at least)! I certainly would never allow an M-rating. Play in moderation! No gaming rehab needed over here. I totally think video games have their place. I loved to play them as a kid. To be honest, I sometimes tell my kids to just be quiet and go play XBOX. Let’s simply limit the time our kids spend playing them. We personally say NO gaming on school nights and play in moderation on weekends. Research the apps they’re asking for. In our home, the parents are the only ones who know the iTunes password and we have to enter it for every app downloaded. We avoid live games on XBOX and turn off the chat feature whenever possible. The chat feature on video games is a real source of danger to look out for. This is often a pedophile’s playground. Teach your kids to create usernames that don’t include any part of their real names, and to never give out personal information online at all.

Thank you to those of you who took the journey along this three-part series with me. This is a heavy topic that I feel I could write about forever and ever without stopping. I’m passionate about guarding our kids’ hearts and minds. If we as their parents don’t, no one else will. If we don’t raise them with intention, the culture will gladly take over. Intentionality is the only path to raising our children with strong values, instilling in them a solid moral compass, and equipping them to reach others for the Kingdom.

Culture-Raised Kids: Part Two


Hi, friends! I’m glad you’re here. If you missed Part One of the Culture Raised Kids series, click here to catch up! After researching all the things swirling around in this head of mine and then asking for input on concerns about raising kids in today’s culture, I realized that I could either write an entire book on my findings or split this up into a few different posts. I decided on the latter. (For now.) Part Two includes the elements of culture that are peers, role models, and entitlement.

Peers

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Jim Rohn

I remember switching schools in between middle school and high school. I was thrown into a whole new group of peers at an already difficult age. I remember walking the halls searching for a few familiar faces out of thousands of students, determined to find my place amongst the crowd. It wasn’t easy. I started to learn that the groups of peers I interacted with determined my reputation, my parents’ approval or disapproval, my grades, and even my own thoughts and behaviors.

Fast forward to present day. We recently ended up with a kid on our doorstep that we don’t often hang around. Suffice it to say she doesn’t have the best reputation in the neighborhood. We welcomed her in, loved on her with food and drinks, and the kids ran around in the house together (with my ears following closely behind). When she was leaving, she asked if my boys could come to her house to play sometime. I diplomatically said no, and was left with questions from my boys once she was gone. I had a lot of explaining to do.

From the moment of our first toddler playdate til the day we die, peers influence us in a big way. There’s nothing like being accepted, or on the other hand, rejected, by your peers. We don’t easily relinquish the desire to fit in, be known, and be loved. We are born to be social beings and the instinct to relate to others doesn’t die off until we do. Peer influences are a powerful thing. A crucial thing.

This is where our kids need our help. They lack perspective, life experience, and confidence in who they are. Their peers are almost everything to them, despite the obvious doses of reasoning, logic, and common sense that beg for recognition. Kids want first and foremost to fit in (especially as adolescents), and often times they try at all costs.

Take Action!

We as parents must pay attention. Who are your kids hanging out with? Are you aware of their reputation? What do they talk about? Should you let them go to this kid’s house? Stay the night?  What are their parents like? Are their rules the same as yours? Do their beliefs, morals, and values align with yours? If you can’t answer all of these questions to 100% satisfaction, you’ve got to err on the side of caution. Not everyone is trustworthy. Not always will everything be “just fine.” If you don’t guard your kids’ hearts, minds, and innocence, no one else will. Talk to your kids about reputation, guilt by association, and how you inevitably become like the people you’re hanging around. Say no when you need to. Say no when you’re just not sure and you don’t know why. Take time to explain your concerns to your kids. Tell them it’s your responsibility to guard them. Listen to your maternal or paternal instincts. Pray for discretion. Ask questions to your kids, their friends, and their friends’ parents. In many cases, their friends’ parents are having the same thoughts, uncertainties, and concerns you are. Listen to what your kids say about their friends without judging or giving your input (easier said than done!). Ask them what they think of their friends. As kids get older and more freedom is given, keep talking to them about these things. And most importantly of all, keep your ears open more than your mouth (I’m talking to me here)!

Role Models

There’s something about being propelled into fame that makes a person an instant role model, whether they deserve to be or not. They can display the good, bad, and the really really ugly, and ever still we buy their albums, hang their posters on our walls, and pay ungodly amounts of money for their concert tickets. In my home with three sons, the posters hanging on our walls and the names rolling off our tongues are usually professional athletes. Luckily, we don’t watch the news on TV in our house, so many of the tangled webs these celebrities weave go unnoticed by my boys. However, there are times they get wind of the latest scandal involving the NFL’s finest, and we have issues to address.

It’s important our kids know that we can admire a person’s talent without admiring his or her behavior, choices, or lifestyle. My kids will often say, “I’m a fan of how he plays football, but not of how he acts,” or “He’s a great player, but not a great person.” I believe it’s imperative we drive home this understanding in our kids. In a house full of girls, you might be explaining that, while she’s a talented singer, you’re disappointed in Miley Cyrus for her words, actions, or choices because she’s not displaying self-respect.

Take Action!

Our kids are going to notice and look up to celebrities, and that’s normal. Point out the athletes, singers, actors, and celebrities who use their platform in a positive and responsible manner. Point out the positive character traits you notice and admire in those people. Talk to them about why people respect those characteristics and how important it is to display them in their own lives and careers. Make sure your kids have real life role models to look up to. Coaches, teachers, preachers, youth group leaders, mom, dad, big siblings/cousins/uncles/aunts…find a positive one and encourage it!

Entitlement

While it’s so prevalent in our culture today, using the word “entitlement” makes me feel like an old-fashioned 80-something talking about “kids these days.” But really, can you believe the kids these days?

And (I mean this in love), we parents are often to blame. We couldn’t possibly leave to chance which teacher they may get (she might be too hard on him), which team they may play on (my kid might not shine brightly enough), their school project (I don’t want it to look like a nine-year-old completed this third grade project), and most detrimental, natural consequences (I don’t want her to feel the pain). Convicted? I am.   

Our kids have to know that they’re not special. Okay, that sounds bad. They are special. They’re fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of their Creator and have been set apart for a special and specific purpose. Let me phrase that better: the world doesn’t revolve around them. They have lessons to learn, calluses to build, and resiliency to develop. If we protect them from these things, they become precious little disasters who need safe places and coloring books when the day doesn’t go their way. God help them. And us.

It’s in the trenches that character is formed, revelations are had, and innovators are born. The school of hard knocks isn’t always a bad thing.

I had a mom tell me about her kid being released from a baseball team when the team they’d been on for years decided to become a fancy schmancy select team. Ouch. The sting of rejection hurts. But, watching how his parents processed this hurt, this break in loyalty, this breach of trust, and finding a new team turned out to be a blessing in disguise. People will always fail us. Life just isn’t fair. Sometimes kids get knocked down. And here’s the kicker – none of this changes when we become adults. If we don’t allow our kids to experience it now, how in the world will they handle it when they’re all grown up? I mean, what if they can’t find their crayons?  

Take Action!

Let your kids experience natural consequences. Leave things that don’t really matter to chance. Let them fail. Help them up. Teach them to find the lesson in the journey. Model for them how to react when things don’t go your way (you’ll have plenty of opportunities!). Remind them that it’s not about them. Other people have struggles we know nothing about. Teach them that we are refined in the fire and always come out stronger on the other end. Teach them to be loyal. Show them what true loyalty is in the midst of your own family. Teach them that not everyone is loyal, and to expect that. Tell them that they can do hard things. Tell them that life is tough, but so are they. Tell them when things didn’t happen to them, but they rather happened because of them.

Culture-Raised Kids: Part One

Parenting is the single most difficult and important job in the world. It’s non-stop, stressful, unrelenting, high-pressure, intense work that draws out a gamut of emotions. So, naturally, I couldn’t WAIT to become a mom!

Three kids in, and I’m not just a regular mom…I’m a cool mom (I only polled myself, but I consider that a reliable poll nonetheless). While being insanely cool is a noteworthy venture, I aspire to be not just a cool mom, but a great mom! As it turns out, good parenting requires effort when I’m weary, strength when I’m tired, confidence when I’m guilt-ridden, and careful thought and planning. Admitting I don’t have all the answers and that Yes, I do in fact need help, has become the rule, not the exception. *Sigh.

Today’s culture presents some unique challenges. If we’re not careful, culture will take over and raise our kids for us. If that doesn’t terrify you, you’re not paying attention.

For parents, the minutes turn to days, the days to months, and the months to years so quickly that we often fail to realize that our culture is playing a bigger role in raising our kids than we are. We have to constantly prune the garden that is our children’s lives and not let weeds run rampant. Today I bring you Part One of a three-part series entitled Culture-Raised Kids. Part One includes the elements of culture that are family life and spirituality.

Family Life

The impact a strong family life has on kids is perhaps the most underrated element in society today. The pursuit of the elusive “happiness” trumps keeping families together time and time again. Our culture has fallen hook, line, and sinker for the lie that the grass is greener on the other side. Many spouses are unwilling to fight for their marriage, duped into believing it should be easy to love another imperfect human day in and day out. (Spoiler alert: It’s not. But it IS doable.)

Each parent has an invaluable role in raising kids. Downgrading that to a part-time job is detrimental. Don’t fall in line with culture in teaching your kids that strong family involvement is totally optional. It’s absolutely essential to the strong development of our boys and girls and ultimately the strength of society itself. Our children learn who they are, where they come from, and who they will be by watching and listening to how we, their parents, live our lives.  

Each family will look different based on experiences, unique challenges, and individuals’ choices that are sometimes beyond our control. People make mistakes (darn humans). Sometimes you’ve got to make wrong decisions right or clean up other people’s messes. Life isn’t made of rainbows and fairy dust. Good intentions fall short. Life is hard. We fail. Often. There’s no cookie-cutter image to live up to.

God hands out forgiveness and redemption like candy at a parade. He ain’t even mad at ya. He creates beauty from ashes and erects a masterpiece constructed of our very broken pieces. It’s never too late, no one is ever too far gone. Intentionally create a strong family unit with the loved ones you do have. God will take your little bit and turn it into a lot.

Take Action!

Spend time with your kids. Create memories. Surprise them. Have weekly, monthly, and annual traditions that they’ll always remember and pass down to their kids one day. Talk to them. Watch them play. Read to them, even when they’re big. Set high expectations. Believe in them. Hold them accountable. Make them do their share. Give them responsibilities. Take them to church. Lead by example. Play games with them. Tell them you’re sorry. Tell them you love them. Give them a hug and a kiss every single day. Tell them yes. Tell them no. Don’t protect them from natural consequences. Teach them that family is the most important thing after God, and live that out yourself.

Spirituality

No matter one’s religion, beliefs, or unbelief, spirituality is something that every human will grapple with in their lifetime. We were created to long for something more, something bigger than ourselves. Every person has a God-sized hole that can only be filled with Him.

Today’s culture is so focused on being inclusive, on making everyone feel accepted, happy, and hunky dory, we tread ever-so-lightly around this topic. The truth is, our country was founded on Biblical principles. Our laws, norms, and traditions are centered around Judeo-Christian beliefs. Society today denies these truths, blurs moral lines and ignores right and wrong. What once was taken for granted is now cause for confusion and protest.

Take Action!

Teach your kids the facts. Buy them their own Bible. Read the Bible to them. Do family devotions regularly. Be a spiritual leader. Talk about God and the things He’s created. Teach them His words and His promises. Tell them He gave His life for them and He loves them unconditionally. Live like you believe it. Let them know that there IS right and wrong. Teach them about forgiveness. Tell them they should always stand up for what they believe. Prepare them to defend their faith. Teach them not to be judgmental – it’s not in their job description. Show them that how they live speaks louder than what they say. Make sure they know that it’s not about what people look like, where they live, or how they worship, it’s about what they believe in their hearts. Teach them to, above all else, LOVE others. Teach them what it means to be like Jesus. 

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