You know, I really had the whole discipline thing figured out before I had kids. And then, I had one (sweet, compliant Number One), and through trial and error figured out what worked for him. Then, Number Two came along, and I had to tweak some things. Number Three made his appearance and, well, let’s just say I need prayer. 😉
The crazy thing about disciplining kids is that what works for one may not work for the others. And then, what works for them one week may not work the next. Also, we have to do all the things right. We have to be patient, kind, loving, and consistent. It’s no wonder we end up screaming, yelling, crying, rocking in the fetal position in the corner…
We constantly question ourselves, our methods and tactics, and still end the day feeling like we came up short.
Even before I had kids, I was interested in the psychology of all things human (that was my major in college). I always gravitated toward learning about discipline and parenting, so when my oldest was born, I took the first opportunity I could to attend a seminar on parenting and constructive discipline. I have searched and googled and I can’t find who it was that I took the seminar from, but this concept is all over the internet. Suffice it to say, I did not make this up.
I recently remembered it and decided to give it a shot with my 11 and 7-year-old boys. Here’s our take on the “X” Discipline System.
Disclaimer: I used it on our 3-year-old (who’s now 11) at the time of the conference and he was too young. He didn’t give a hoot about X’s.
Our kids have weekly charts. We start over each Wednesday. If you are doing this with a 4, 5, maybe 6-year-old, a daily chart might be a better idea. The chart has 10 squares on it and is placed into a plastic sheet protector (or you could laminate it). The first three are warnings, the next seven are privileges that the kids can lose until the week starts over. Start with the least devastating, and end with the most dramatic. I had to put a lot of thought into the order of our consequences and decide on specific guidelines for each. It’s important to clarify these ahead of time. Get your kids’ input and go over the charts with them. Now, the ball is in their court. Your job here is done.
When they disobey, don’t listen, neglect their responsibilities, show disrespect, or display any negative behavior you want to squash, calmly tell them “That’s an X.” They will use a dry erase marker to mark an X across the next available square. It’s either one of three warnings, or a privilege is lost. There’s no earning them back (this would just teach them that they can misbehave and then go do a chore or a good deed with no real consequence at all). If at some point you decide you’d like to change or rearrange the consequences on the chart, do it.
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Here are a few truths to keep in mind ahead of time:
- Consistency is key.
Sorry to throw such a boring, cliche phrase at you, but there is no greater truth than this. When it comes to discipline, kids will test you. Every time. If sometimes you’re not consistent, they’ll step over the line again and again. If they know you’re a stickler, they’ll walk the line. I’m not even joking. It’s science.
- No warnings allowed.
If you constantly warn your kids that they will get an X, might get an X, they’re about to get an X, this is a completely ineffective system. If we teach them that they don’t have to listen and obey the first time, what’s the point? That’s the reason there are 3 warning spots on the X chart. Don’t feel bad. They may be shocked at first because they’re used to us giving seven warnings before ever getting a consequence (it’s no wonder they’re so unruly, amiright??). They’ll catch on super quick. They’re not stupid. They’re just kids!
- No emotion from the parents is necessary.
In fact, it’s essential that you’re completely unemotional. Oh, you rolled your eyes at me? That’s an X. You shoved your brother? That’s an X. You’re talking back? That’s an X. You’re screaming and arguing because you got an X? That’s an X. It’s really no problem here. I’m just chillin’. I don’t need to get into a yelling match. I don’t even need to raise my voice. I hold the power. I’m the parent, you’re the kid. I love you and this is our system and I’m not going to be mad about it. Tell them you’re so sad for them, and you understand why they’re disappointed. Tell them you believe they will do better next time/tomorrow/next week.
- Sometimes you won’t want to take away their privileges because it’s a beating for you.
This is one of the really hard things about being a parent. Sometimes punishing them isn’t a walk in the park for you. BUT, it’s key to not raising jerkholes. And, if you’re really and truly consistent, they’ll stop losing so many privileges.
- You don’t have to think about discipline.
This is the humdinger for me. In the moment with no plan in place, I usually grasp at straws for consequences. If yelling has failed (it always does), my go-to’s are 1) No more Xbox/iPad/TV, 2) Go to your room, 3) You’re grounded! They’re all pretty irrelevant, unintentional, inconsistent, and a surprise to everyone involved (including me). Having the X system means not having to think about a consequence at all. And, the kids know what to expect every time. This makes me not feel bad about it at all! Like, “Dude, you knew what was coming next!”
I like that this system really streamlines all the difficult things about discipline. This doesn’t have to be your end-all, be-all, but you can certainly use it as a tool in your parenting toolbox. Who knows? Maybe it will be a winner! I’d love to hear your best discipline strategies!
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