When Your Kids Won’t Talk to You
I’ve heard it said that if you don’t listen to your kids when they’re little (you know, spouting off random, useless, unimportant information riddled with exhausting details), they won’t talk to you when they’re older (and stuff is really, truly big and important). There’s no doubt that as parents we have it in our power to foster a talking and listening environment with our kids. We can set the tone of giving and taking, speaking and listening, and respectfully interacting with each other. Don’t lose hope – it’s never too late! What you start today will become the norm for the days, weeks, and years ahead.
Depending on your kid, words don’t always come cheap. This is especially true as they get older and start going through adolescence and beyond (WHY DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN??). Here are a handful of ways I’ve found to keep my kids talking to me about the good, the bad, the boring, the serious, the silly, and everything in between.
Find joy in them and their conversations.
Every kid starts out LOVING the sound of their own voice. Honestly. Have you ever had a four-year-old? They will talk, ask questions, and tell stories until your ears are actually bleeding from verbal assault. How we respond to them is kind of a big deal. (Holy Spirit, please be ever present and take complete control of my facial expressions.) If they start to get the vibe that we’re annoyed, too busy, apathetic, or phony, they’ll check out and rarely come back.
Dear friends, do not judge yourselves too harshly here. This is a “majority rules” situation. We cannot be Smiling, Interactive, and Fully Engaged Mom 100% of the time. Just TODAY my 11-year-old was talking to me about something (ahem…I have no idea what), and I must have given a very poor canned response like, “Ohhh wow. Is that right, honey? That’s nice.” He called me out without hesitation. “Mom, you weren’t even listening to me.” IN MY DEFENSE I was behind the wheel, trying to crack the code in a parking situation in downtown Dallas, and my brain was unavailable for comment. #momfail
However, I can say with certainty that this is the exception, not the rule. I typically try to hear them and fully engage with whatever topic may be on their minds or hearts at the time. Majority rules.
Interact with them when they speak.
Sadly, the “Yes, dear…Okay, honey…Oh, boy!” won’t cut it. (I’ve tried. Or I know someone who has.) We need to stop what we’re doing (I’ve had to turn around and walk BACK into a room before because I’ve gotten involved in a walk-by conversation with zero notice given), look them in the eye, smile (or whatever expression is appropriate), nod, ask questions (Who do you hope gets the part?), and give your input (Yes! I really hope the Warriors can pull off a win tonight!).
Don’t be too judgy.
This one can be tough. When you start hearing things you feel uncomfortable with, wish they hadn’t said, done, or the topic centers around kids you don’t necessarily think they should be hanging with…activate Understanding, Pleasant, Totally Normal Mom Face. If they’re feeling judged by you, like they’re in trouble because of what they’re sharing with you, or that you’re not hearing or understanding what they’re saying and why they’re saying it, they’ll shut it down and keep it in next time. “Oh, that kid told you that you should try smoking cigarettes? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? WHERE DOES HE LIVE AND WHO IS HIS MOM AND WHAT IS HER PHONE NUMBER?? Ahem, Oh, really? Wow…what did you think when he said that?” (*Maintain Understanding, Pleasant, Totally Normal Mom Face.)
Honest to goodness, your kids don’t want or need you to be shocked and appalled at all the shocking and appalling things they bring to you. These are things they hear and deal with often (we are about to enter middle school and, well, just pray for me and my middle schooler at the top of every hour on the hour, please), and if they share stuff with you, handle it gently, kindly, and respectfully.
Don’t always give advice – just hear them.
Kids often simply need to get something off their chest. They are carrying around some weighty issues that they hear, see, and know, and in a perfect world, they wouldn’t be dealing with all that jazz. They don’t always need advice or solutions, they may just want to let it out and be heard and understood for the first time that day. They might even have some valuable, strong opinions of their own. Given the chance to bring a solution to you rather than the other way around would be a much-needed boost in confidence. Also, let them know you have confidence in them to handle the ups and downs of life. Saying “Well, I really respect your judgment and I know you’ll make the right decision,” will make them believe BIG things about themselves and what they’re capable of.
Reciprocate by sharing your own experiences.
This is a great way to be relatable and make your kids realize you’re a real person that was actually young once! Don’t say “You need to handle that in this very certain way,” but rather say “Oh my goodness. When I was about your age, I had a friend do the same thing to me. I was so upset. I ended up distancing myself from her and finding better friends to hang out with.” No advice is given, no imposing opinions, just a factual, relatable story. Your kids will likely receive that well.
To those of you still thinking, “Yeah, but my kid just WON’T TALK TO ME!” Go ahead and start the conversation. If these conversations are out of the ordinary for you and your kiddo, it will have to be a gradual thing. It’s human nature to seek something out if it’s enjoyable, so start talking to your kids more often about funny things that happen, experiences from your childhood, and ask them questions often! Many times this is the only way I get information out of them.
I want to acknowledge that this takes work, intentional effort, and is not always on the list of things you want to do that day or things you have time for. But this is the nitty-gritty of parenting. If we’re not talking to our kids, we are missing out on so much. Not just to our own detriment, but to the detriment of their well-being, character, and development. This is a priority that can make or break a kid.
I also want to acknowledge that sometimes, even if you’re doing everything right, kids withdraw or just aren’t big “talkers.” In this case, just be there! Make the effort and keep on keeping on. Don’t give up! They’ll come around, or at least they’ll always know you’re listening.